Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Famous "Uncle Ji" Post

A version of this post originally appeared on the now defunct blog, Team Sakib.

"omes" (1:12:59 PM):this is the best thing i've ever read
"omes" (1:13:03 PM):this should be published
"omes" (1:13:49 PM):this guy is insane
"omes" (1:12:42 PM): classic
"omes" (1:12:44 PM): hahahahahahaa
"omes" (1:12:54 PM): hahahahahahahahahaha

Saad: I wonder who is having more fun in this dialogue. Though I suspect there is a serious and ill intentioned purpose behind his initial communication.

Athar: LMAO

Sania: rotfl
Sania: Dude, if this limo ever shows up, I want in ;).

Adil: [The] emails to are hilarious. Keep it up.



Salaam Y'all,

A little taste of what I'll miss when I'm no longer MSA President:
It gets REALLY good about 3 emails in.

saK

----- Original Message -----
From: ******** ************** *********@************
Date: Saturday, January 28, 2006 12:33 am
Subject: FWD: MSA Web Comments

timestamp=Fri Jan 27 21:31:11 2006
school=Not a Columbia student
comments=I want to apply to Columbia , Please provide me the mailing
list, would like to contact your members and know about their
experience.
rmail=abdal@optonline.com

The preceding message was sent by a Web user on Fri Jan 27 21:31:11 2006

----- Original Message -----
From: ************** *********** ************@*************
Date: Saturday, January 28, 2006 12:33 am
Subject: Re: MSA Web Comments

Unfortunately, it is not our policy to provide our members' contact information. Feel free, however, to look up a member of the MSA board on the website <http://www.columbia.edu/cu/msa/welcome.shtml> to ask specific questions. Please keep in mind that people are less likely to be able to answer a question about their experience in general, as it varies from each person and it is difficult to detail everything
Good luck.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: abdal@optonline.net <abdal@optonline.net>
Date: Jan 28, 2006 10:03 PM
Subject: Re: MSA Web Comments
To:*************** ********* *********@***************


AA

With apologies to you for the imposition upon your time, I was only
hoping for you to extend a modicum of courtesy perhaps returning a
fraction of that which I have extended to our communities to advance
our cause. I will be applying to all the ivy colleges, but before I do
that I would like to get a feedback from a cross section of enrolled
students of their personal experiences , other universities such as
MIT , Harvard , Yale etc has provided me with all their member list of
MSA for me to communicate. We live in an open society and secrecy in
Islam is forbidden. Do not send me through the long circuitous route
of going through a list of individual enrolled students and sorting
their names out. Your time and attention to this matter is once again
indulged with reluctance and always appreciated. AA

----- Original Message -----

From: Sakib
Date: Sunday, January 29, 2006 8:13 am Subject: Re: MSA Web Comments

Assalamu Alaikum Nameless Muslim,

If "secrecy is forbidden in Islam", then why have you not chosen to reveal your own identity in your exceptionally rude dealings with the Public Relations Officer? I will make du'a that Allah (swt) helps you improve your adhab (manners).
The Muslim Students Association WILL NOT release a list of its members without a subpoena ordering us to do so. We live in a country and in an era when Muslims are unfairly targeted and discriminated against and we will not aid anyone in identifying who in Columbia is Muslim and non-Muslim for the purposes of discrimination. Your request is highly unfair. What I would recommend you do when you do email MSAs is simply email the "msa@" alias and ask for the experiences of a few members of executive boards of the MSAs. That is a reasonable and polite request. Fighting with MSA executive boards to try and secure a list of all Muslims on a campus is neither polite nor reasonable.
And also, in correspondence, always clearly reveal your own identity, For all I know, you could be a member of the Ku Klux Klan trying to get a list of Muslims to lynch. Anonymous correspondence is both dangerous and quite rude.

To answer your question, I have very much enjoyed my experience at Columbia. I am an undergrad at the engineering school and feel like the school has challenged me and put me in an environment where I expect myself to preform higher because of the quality of my peers.

May Allah (swt) aid you in your search to peacefully and properly inquire about colleges,

Sakib


On 1/29/06, abdal@optonline.net <abdal@optonline.net> wrote:

AA

Brother:

In the interest of candor and full disclosure and in trying to unwrap the riddle , once again I AM being subjected to unflattering gratuitous comments and unfetterred personal attacks in response to a couteous , professional inquiry . Unfortunately by this point , I am not surprised by your utter lack of courtesy and abjest lack of decorum.

Your response is an INSCRIPTION, A SELF – CONSCIOUS STATEMENT preserved for POSTERITY. Enough of the dog and pony show , cynical manipulation , throwing wrenches.

What is in a name that which we call a rose may smell as sweet if given any other name. Our blessed prophet was surrounded with hypocrites and traitors, but he founded a religion that now encompasses 1/3rd of huminaity with 80 % of oil and the largest population of PHD's in hard sciences. It is all about " Niyat" brother. Like to quote Mark Twain - " It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubts" . ( Not directed against you) . Allah knows my identity since my niyat is clean. My Kids were born here in the US and destined for greatness, due to my own personal struggle. I will give you the detail when I send you my limo to pick you and and a group from MSA to my mansion close to you. I will serve you lamb biryani ( spicy or mild) marinated in sumptious sauce and then you will know my true identity. Please get a few sisters since my oldest kid is a daughter, my second one is a son , Omer whom you would love to meet , we call him Salauddin, in the making, my daughter jokingly refers him as destined to eat bananas.

Please respond.

On 1/29/06, Sakib wrote:

walaikum assalaam anonymous muslim dude,

please send a sample of said lamb biryani to the MSA office at 102 Earl Hall, Columbia University, New York, NY 10027 for testing. If biryani quality is sufficient, my cohorts and myself may agree to embark upon an expedition to said mansion.

jazakullah kheyr for your offer of hospitality,

sakib

On 1/29/06, abdal@optonline.net <abdal@optonline.net> wrote:

You still seem to be trivializing my message. I am not a dude , but old enough to be your father. Every Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, accept the invitation and I will open the gates of heaven for you after you will find out what I have singlehandedly achieved in the post 9/11 environment which scares you a great deal. I was discriminated myself but chose to fight back rather than cower like other self proclaimed leaders of Islam who advance only their own self self serving agendas in their dollar obssessed world. I have changed the world and I will prove it to you with my papers.

Please accept the invitation , my limo is standing by . If you think this is a joke than kindly forward my email to other members who are less presumptious and stringent in their views.

----- Original Message -----

From: Sakib Date: Sunday, January 29, 2006 12:04 pm Subject: Re: MSA Web Comments walaikum assalaam uncle ji,
why do you think i have trivialized your matter? i simply requested a sample. You are a man of mansions and limos and papers, you have
changed the world, surely you can produce but a sample of lamb biryani, spicy, in sumptuous sauce. as to your claim of being able to open the gates of heaven, let's steer away from shirk. astughfurullah. as for the limo, i fear we may not all fit in the limo. if it is not too much trouble, a chartered jet would be more appropriate.

sakib

On 1/29/06, abdal@optonline.net <abdal@optonline.net> wrote:

After you committ to your zakat, Allah does not stop you from indulging in Limos and mansions or jets for that matter , and I have one too , but there are no airfields in Columbia to accomodate the landing of my jet and the closest airport is in Teterboro where my jet is parked. You will show me more respect when you truly know me. You are young and raw like my son , but a lot more unwavering in insults , not a good trait of a leader. Please forward my message to others in MSA , I have to catch a flight tonight to Zurich for a bankers meeting. Short on time. AA

On 1/29/06, Sakib wrote:
walaikum assalaam non-salaaming uncle ji,
I apologize if you feel insulted, but at no point in time have I ever done anything but respond to you with directness and utmost seriousness. Allah (swt) has blessed you with the means for jets and mansions and limos and biryani, and at no point in time have I criticized you for any of that.
Your message has been forwarded to others.
Sakib

On 1/29/06, abdal@optonline.net wrote:

I have tested your mettle and you have a long way to go in maintaining composure , the trait that our SAW possesed . But you are improving and I thank you young man for showing the courtesy of forwarding my messages to other members. On my way to Zurich if I get a chance I will reply on my black berry. The Limo can accomodate upto 8 adults. I do not have a stretch one at the moment , I hope this one will be enough to accomodate all those interested. Since it is difficult to guage the seriousness of someone you are not acquainted with over the internet, I do not blame you entirely. But pls take my offer, my kids will be very thankful for Ivy leaguers showing up at the door and providing guidance as to the Islamic atmosphere of the university. Allah' s blessings.AA

From: Sakib
Date: Jan 29, 2006 2:35 PM
Subject: Re: MSA Web Comments
To: "abdal@optonline.net"

Assalamu Alaikum Anonymous Uncle,

There is no plausible scenario in which MSA members or board members will be asked to get into some unknown vehicle to be transported to some unknown location. Guantanamo Bay is scary enough, we need not worry about white supremacist Jeffrey Dahlmers. If you want to send your son and daughter in the limo to Columbia to meet with us, I feel we would welcome that opportunity.

...Speaking about your daughter, how old is she? Is she single? Is she as mysterious and secretive as her father? If she is atleast moderately religious, enjoys long walks on the beach and watching men watch football, has skin the color of the marble at Badshai Masjid, eyes like the sky over lake Saif-ul-Maluk and a face like a rose from Andalucia, I may be keen on her. I would also be keen if she bears any remote resemblance to Aishwariya Rai.

I am a 21 year old practicing Muslim with arms the size of bazukas and legs to make Atlas shrug. I'm also overweight, on crutches, an average student and, apparently, I "have trouble maintaining my composure", am "unwaivering in my insults" of random nameless uncles, and a "poor leader". Please let me know if your daughter is interested.

Jazakullah Kheyr,


Sakib

On 1/29/06, abdal@optonline.net
wrote:

You caught me in my first hour of flight ove the Atlantic. Good idea , I will send my son and daughter to meet your members and when you are comfortable you can all come over. My daughter is both a beauty and a brain. She has the beauty of Cleopatra and the brain of a demon, but be careful she knows Karate too. Post 9/11 she was being harassed in school by a few imbeciles , and she struck a blow so hard that it left the principal speechless. Ok dinner is being served, and I will be in video conference for a few hours. AA

From: Sakib
Date: Jan 30, 2006 12:10 AM
Subject: Re: MSA Web Comments
To: "abdal@optonline.net"

Salaam Uncle Ji,

Your karate chopping daughter dually interests and frightens me. I am sorry to hear that your daughter is victim to Jinn Possession. Insha'Allah, soon she can get the help that she needs. We would all appreciate it if you could send a batch of your million dollar biryani along with your beautiful--even if slightly demonic--children.

Enjoy your videoconference and have a safe journey,


Sakib
-------------------------------------
In other news:
Sakib (3:49:26 PM) : any idea who abdal from long island is?
"Zahira" (3:51:27 PM) : hmm
"Zahira" (3:51:30 PM) : well my dad
"Zahira" (3:51:31 PM) : and funnily
"Zahira" (3:51:36 PM) : i have a brother named Omar
Sakib (3:51:38 PM) : whoa
"Zahira" (3:51:39 PM) : who we call salauddin
Sakib (3:51:43 PM) : no way
Sakib (3:51:50 PM) : ...
Sakib (3:51:59 PM) : umm...
Sakib (3:52:07 PM) : wow- this is now very awkward...
"Zahira" (3:52:25 PM) : yeah..
"Zahira" (3:52:28 PM) : strange, huh?

"Zahira" (3:56:28 PM) : no i have an older sister
Sakib (3:56:48 PM) : does she say omar is destined to eat bananas?
"Zahira" (3:56:55 PM) : yeap-!
"Zahira" (3:56:57 PM) : well she used t
Sakib (3:57:01 PM) : ...
"Zahira" (3:57:10 PM) : it kinda grew old
"Zahira" (3:57:14 PM) : we moved into a really big house
"Zahira" (3:57:24 PM) : and we just don't see so much of 1 another anymore
"Zahira" (3:57:28 PM) : and erm
"Zahira" (3:57:32 PM) : my last name is habib
Sakib (3:57:39 PM) : yes
"Zahira" (3:57:40 PM) : like habib bank ag zurich
Sakib (3:58:37 PM) : haha- funny
Sakib (3:58:44 PM) : private jet zahira?
"Zahira" (3:59:06 PM) : not for personal use
Sakib (3:59:21 PM) : i see
Sakib (3:59:32 PM) : so- does your older sister resemble aishy?
"Zahira" (3:59:43 PM) : ?
"Zahira" returned at 3:59:56 PM.
Sakib (3:59:59 PM) : aishwariya
Sakib (4:00:02 PM) : duh
"Zahira" (4:00:22 PM) : haha
"Zahira" (4:00:31 PM) : no but my younger sister does

-----Original Message-----
From: abdal@optonline.net [mailto:abdal@optonline.net]
Sent: Monday, January 30, 2006 10:53 AM
To: Taaha [FIN]
Subject: Re: RE: MSA Web Comments

Hello Beta: AA

My meeting will be over in a few hours in Zurich, I am at Bahnhofstraus overlooking the Alps, Jannat this is. If you are so obssesed with my daughter send me your picture and I promise I will give you a fair evaluation. Right now there are over 18 suitors standing in line and the line is getting longer. Are you a Paki or a Hindustani , send me a few reference with your parents name address and telephone #. When are u graduating ? Where have you decided to work ? I know you said engineering , but what branch, Inshallah it is all about kismat , you could very well be my future son in law. I will be landing in roughly 12 hours, I will arrange for my son to see you. My daughter cannot meet you , since it is forbidden in Islam for unmarried opp, sex to mingle and mangle, u see I am very conservative , eventhough I came to the US. as a teenager and went thru American H.S and university very close to yours. AA

From: Sakib
Date: Jan 30, 2006 11:13 AM
Subject: Re: FW: RE: MSA Web Comments
To: "abdal@optonline.net"

Walaikum Assalaam Uncle Ji,

I am quite flatterred by your entertainment of my rishta for your daughter. To answer your questions, I am of Pakistani origin, a full blooded Punjabi. To be exactly precise I am 25% Lahori, 25% Amritsari and 50% Jalandari. Insha'Allah, I am scheduled to graduate in May of 2007. I would like to attend Law School upon graduation and get a job with a law firm in the United States. I am currently studying for the LSAT.

I feel there has been a miscommunication. I intended to formally withdraw my proposal for your daughter when I found out that she has been possessed by a Jinn. Additionally, I find long lines to be quite nauseating, especially in these circumstances. I am trying to get married, not ride Nitro for the 3852779455th time at Six Flags. I will refrain from sending you a picture of myself or my parent's contact info, because given your daughter's unforunate state, your family may be victim to black magic. I will go to any means necessary to protect my family from such.

You mentioned you attended a college not far from mine. Would you care to discuss your college experiences? I love talking to uncles about their younger days.

Enjoy the Alps, I've heard its absolutely heavenly. I would still like to meet your son, and taste your spicy biryani sauce ;).

Sakib


From: abdal@optonline.net
Date: Jan 30, 2006 6:26 PM
Subject: Re: FW: RE: MSA Web Comments
To: Sakib

AA
It appears you are obssesed with the Jinn stuff, it is an expression in America to describe something exceptionally good. Like Jackson dances like a demon. . Punjabi's are out of question, due to their arrogant worthless qualities. Read Eric Margolis's book " War on top of the world"which is #3 on the best seller and you will get a true reading of what a Punjabi is from a foreigner who is objective, they are greedy thieving good for nothing retards with overinflated egos, no wonder Pakistan has no industries. Only PIA also called " PLEASE INFORM ALLAH" or " PUNJABI INTERNATIONAL AIRLINE" If it were not for my ansectors since Auranzeb's time Pakistan would never have been created. It was created with the ingenuity of Indian Muslims from U.P. India. The brains of Pakistan happen to be Memons, again from India. No one in Pakistan from the Pushtuns to Sindhis to Baluchis and ofcourse Mohajirs like Punjabis. They just happen to be sitting on the land that was created by my parents and great grand parents and call it all theirs. Punjabis are a reason why East Pakistanis wanted independence and they got it. Yahya Khan never stopped raping Bengali women. Now Bangladesh in 30 short years is LEAP YEARS of Pakistan in every field , despite India opening the floodgates. No offense Saqib but I prefer that my kids deal with someone from India , the Chemistry will be right. If you care than please forward me a name. Oh A.Q. Khan the most revered Pakistani scientist also is an Indian and not a Punjabi.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Sakib
Date: Jan 31, 2006 1:08 AM
Subject: Re: FW: RE: MSA Web Comments
- Hide quoted text -
To: "abdal@optonline.net" <abdal@optonline.net>

- Hide quoted text -
Walaikum Assalaam Faithless, Ethnocentric, Eurocentric Uncle Tom Ji,

Your opinions are not surprising giving the level of ease with which you dismiss your daughter's demonic qualities to Western virtue instead of properly attributing it to the unknown realm of the Jinn. Uncle, from your takes on Jinn, to Pakistan, to Punjabis, you make it clear that you are no doubt an uncle... an Uncle Tom.
Your reference to our Muslim brother Michael Jackson dancing like a demon is the first evidence. Primarily, again, you ignore the fact that Jackson is, in fact, possessed by a Jinn. No human could possibly be that smooth. He has superhuman powers. He must be from beyond our realm. His troubles with behaviour and physical appearance are further testament. Beyond that, you choose a negro to represent dancing. How racist is that, Uncle Tommy?
Your intense anti-punjabi sectionalism is a clear sign of porch monkey syndrome. British divide and conquer tactics have left their mark upon the psyche of our subcontinent and drones of whitey's society still player hate like massa'h saab taught them. At the peak of British rule in India, only a few thousand bureaucrats, backed by only a few tens of thousands of troops locked down a continent of hundreds of millions with opposing armies number in the millions. The stratagem was to pit desi against desi, muslim against hindu, muslim against muslim, rich against poor, punjabi against urdu speaking to take hard and battle tested, uppity field slaves and neutralize, domesticate and neuter them into the house slaves, the descendants of which are modern desi tools.
Your deferral to a white man as the ultimate authority on South Asian ethnic status is disgusting and appalling of a man of your supposed high moral character and dedication to civil and minority rights. Eric Margolis's book is a book about the war over Kashmir between Pakistan and India. May I remind you that a key player in that war, mastermind of the not-so-masterfully-minded Kargill operation was none other than General Pervaiz Musharraff. Yes, the internationally known military dictator/President/Chief of Army Staff/hater of Islam/Ataturk worshipper/George Bush puppet/filthy dog enthusiast is one of the brightest of the Muhajir community.
Punjabis may have contributed to the East Pakistani independence movement, but Urdu-speaking Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto was a key factor in the whole turn of events. If not for Bhutto's stubbornness, Mujibur Rahman would probably have received the office he was elected to, and Pakistan might still be whole. Silly Bhutto...
You bland, Urdu-speaking, non-Punjabis can have Zulfi, Mushy Dogg, and even AQ (although AQ did hold it down). I'll take Abrar, tandoori rotti, bhangra and Lahori Broast over all of that any day.

Nach Punjabun Nach!

Sakib


From: abdal@optonline.net
Date: Jan 31, 2006 11:14 AM
Subject: Re: FW: RE: MSA Web Comments
To: Sakib

I find this to be interesting discourse between a jet setting banker and a college kid, but I like it , you are intelligent and frank, and open to criticism but your assertions will take more than a grain of salt to be believed, since you are quoting from the history book rather than first hand eperience. It is Kafkaesque! Vitriolic, vituperative and virulent in your defense of vain Punjabi pride. Scurrillous , surreptitious and spurious ! The British are long gone. They divided India too, but Indians come together for their cause. Bhutto was a Sindhi if you have forgotten, and his daughter stole $ 3 billion from an impoverished nation and also gave out all of the nation's secret. The ultimate warrior of Pakistan , Zia was mysteriously killed and she quitely took over power. Yahya Khan raping Bengali women was the chief cause of creation of Bangladesh. Pakistan has only been able to survive on dole out. If it were not the brain of Memons the nation would have been long gone with their obssesion with drama serial nonsensical diatribes, where Punjabis can be seen giving orders to do Mafia hit. Why does everyone hate Punjabis in Pakistan. Nothing happens in a vacuum. In the last 60 years Punjabis have not even created a single industry anything close to the Indians, except for the brain of AQ, nothing nothing. Just raping, murder and mayhem and Ofcourse PIA , Please inform Allah. I have a meeting now to attend. When you are done with your law degree send me your resume , if I can use u.

From: Sakib
Date: Jan 31, 2006 11:31 AM
Subject: Re: FW: RE: MSA Web Comments
To: "abdal@optonline.net"


Anonymous Person,

This email exchange has been exhilirating. If you do not already
know, it has resulted in the creation of an almost cult culture. The
emails have been published (your identity being anonymous rendered no
need for confidentiality) and the reviews have been rave. If you
would ever like to hang out or meet me, that would be excellent. I,
and about 20-30 other people who have complemented your writing, humor
and witt, would all love the opportunity to have dinner with you.
The British are gone, but colonialism lingers. There has been no
slavery in the US for 150 years, but slave culture still thrives. It
enslaves those who never experienced the actual enslavement. India is
not a perfect system, nor is it a proper comparison for the model that
is Pakistan. Pakistan is an experiment with few counterparts. The
closest comparison is Israel. Israel has achived what it has achived
through a diabolical diaspora and the support of major world powers.
Pakistan, without that help, can list itself in one of the top 40 or
50 most powerful nations in a 180 nation world.

Pakistan Zindabad! Punjab Hamara Dil!

I would really like to get to know you man. It has been Kafkaesque.

Sakib

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Last uber-political post for a while

This post originally appeared on the now defunct blog, Team Sakib.

The situation in Pakistan seemed to be an interesting subplot in Mid-East geopolitics. The underpopulated rural province of Balochistan is the cause of much concern. It is the center of the country's petroleum projects, specifically the proposed Iran-Pakistan-India oil pipeline and the Chinese funded Gawadar City port. The province has always been extremely rich in natural gas (Pakistan's only energy resource), and there has been 30-40 years of speculation of hidden petroleum reserves beneath the gas fields. It also receives almost none of the government's development budget, which goes to the predominantly urban provinces of Punjab and Sindh. Balochis are beginning to sound like the Bengalis did before the 1971 Civil War. Their provincial leaders are trying to leverage the federal government into giving the province more autonomy and a large share of the profits from the two projects and natural gas. Obvious Musharraff (a Punjabi himself) isnt too keen on this, and he's instituted a military occupation of much of Balochistan's border region with Afghanistan, the area where the newly formed Balochistan Liberation Army seems most popular and feasible. This of course is the same region, Waziristan, where the US claims Al Qaeda is sitting. The US recently bombed a village in this region, putting the Musharraff government in a tough spot between defending US actions and maintaining good relations with the US and standing up for Balochistan.
The US greatly benefits from political instability in Balochistan. The Chinese and the Indians will be reluctant to invest billions of dollars in Pakistan if Balochistan is unstable, and that will keep the two countries from getting cheaper and guaranteed access to oil that will come from the IPI pipeline and Gawadar City. The US bombing really ratchetted up the political pressures in Balochistan. The Balochis are pissed that the Pakistani government would let this thing go down (18 civilian deaths according to the American estimates, many more according to the Balochis) without so much as a thread of dissent against American bombing of Pakistan. Of course, the likely recourse from Balochis will likely be bombings of western interests in Pakistani cities, interests like Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants. More of this kind of violence and the Chinese and Indians will be scared away.
With the alleged thread of Al Qaeda presence in Waziristan, the US can continue to justify bombing the area virtually forever, ensuring that the retributional violence continue to escalate. The US by no means would favor a free and soverign Balochistan, but a tumultuous Balochistan with civil unrest, lawlessness, insecurity, all helps block emerging petroleum consumers China and India from getting access to Central Asian and Iranian oil.
If Iran played this game, it would be called "state sponsored terrorism". For the US, its business as usual.